HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
1. Compliment her
2. Cuddle her
3. Kiss her
4. Caress her
5. Love her
6. Stroke her
7. Tease her
8. Comfort her
9. Protect her
10. Hug her
11. Hold her
12. Spend money on her
13. Wine & dine her
14. Buy things for her
15. Listen to her
16. Care for her
17. Stand by her
18. Support her
19. Go to the ends of the earth for her
~~~~~~~~~~
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
1. Show up naked.
2. Bring beer.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Job Application
This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
NAME:
Greg Bulmash
DESIRED POSITION:
Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY:
$185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION:
Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD:
Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY:
Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING:
It stinks.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
Any.
PREFERRED HOURS:
1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?:
Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION? :
I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?:
On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE:
Aries.
NAME:
Greg Bulmash
DESIRED POSITION:
Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY:
$185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION:
Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD:
Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY:
Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING:
It stinks.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
Any.
PREFERRED HOURS:
1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?:
Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION? :
I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?:
On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE:
Aries.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Monday, November 24, 2008
Life's a B***H: Laws of Life
First Law of Living:
As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you'll want to be doing something else.
Miller's Law of Insurance:
Insurance covers everything except what happens.
Law of the Search:
The first place to look for anything is the last place you would expect to find it.
(Corollary: It will not be in the last place you expect to find it.)
The Grocery Bag Law:
The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.
Lampner's Law of Employment:
When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.
Lerman's Law of Technology:
Any technical problem can be overcome given enough time and money.
(Corollary: You are never given enough time or money.)
Murphy's First Law for Wives:
If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.
Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation:
The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.
The Salary Axiom:
The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.
Weiner's Law of Libraries:
There are no answers, only cross-references.
Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness:
Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.
Kenny's Law of Auto Repair:
The part requiring the most consistent repair or replacement will be housed in the most inaccessible location.
Second Law of Business Meetings:
If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you will pick the wrong one.
(Corollary - If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it wrong anyway. )
Yeager's Law:
Washing machines break down only during the wash cycle.
(Corollary: All breakdowns occur on the plumber's day off. )
Quile's Consultation Law:
The job that pays the most will be offered when there is no time to deliver the services.
Loftus' Law:
Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even which book it is.
Lovka's Dilemma:
You never get away, you only get someplace else.
As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you'll want to be doing something else.
Miller's Law of Insurance:
Insurance covers everything except what happens.
Law of the Search:
The first place to look for anything is the last place you would expect to find it.
(Corollary: It will not be in the last place you expect to find it.)
The Grocery Bag Law:
The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.
Lampner's Law of Employment:
When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.
Lerman's Law of Technology:
Any technical problem can be overcome given enough time and money.
(Corollary: You are never given enough time or money.)
Murphy's First Law for Wives:
If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.
Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation:
The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.
The Salary Axiom:
The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.
Weiner's Law of Libraries:
There are no answers, only cross-references.
Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness:
Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.
Kenny's Law of Auto Repair:
The part requiring the most consistent repair or replacement will be housed in the most inaccessible location.
Second Law of Business Meetings:
If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you will pick the wrong one.
(Corollary - If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it wrong anyway. )
Yeager's Law:
Washing machines break down only during the wash cycle.
(Corollary: All breakdowns occur on the plumber's day off. )
Quile's Consultation Law:
The job that pays the most will be offered when there is no time to deliver the services.
Loftus' Law:
Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even which book it is.
Lovka's Dilemma:
You never get away, you only get someplace else.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
What He SAYS / What He MEANS
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let’s have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. What’s wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question
8. May I have this dance? = I’d like to have sex with you
9. Can I call you sometime? = I’d like to have sex with you
10. Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d like to have sex with you
11. Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d like to have sex with you
12. Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for other men to have sex with you
13. You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you within the next 3 mins.
14. Let’s talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and then I’d like to have sex with you.
15. I don’t think those shoes go with that outfit = I’m gay
2. I am sleepy = am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let’s have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. What’s wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question
8. May I have this dance? = I’d like to have sex with you
9. Can I call you sometime? = I’d like to have sex with you
10. Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d like to have sex with you
11. Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d like to have sex with you
12. Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for other men to have sex with you
13. You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you within the next 3 mins.
14. Let’s talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and then I’d like to have sex with you.
15. I don’t think those shoes go with that outfit = I’m gay
Saturday, November 22, 2008
What She SAYS / What She MEANS
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you’ll be sorry
6. We need to talk = I need to complain
7. Sure, go ahead = I don’t want you to
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. Are you listening to me? = Too late, you’re dead
11. You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
12. Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
13. You’re so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
14. Do you love me? = I am going to ask for something expensive
15. It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
16. You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
17. I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
18. How much do you love me? = I did something today that you’re really not going to like
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you’ll be sorry
6. We need to talk = I need to complain
7. Sure, go ahead = I don’t want you to
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. Are you listening to me? = Too late, you’re dead
11. You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
12. Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
13. You’re so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
14. Do you love me? = I am going to ask for something expensive
15. It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
16. You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
17. I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
18. How much do you love me? = I did something today that you’re really not going to like
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
"Perseverance Yield Success"
This is what the mighty Google was like in the beginning when it was "Backrub". How far has she gone.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Saturday, November 15, 2008
An a-la "Why the chicken cross the road joke"
Hear this from somewhere a little while back.
Why did the one-hand man cross the road?
Why did the one-hand man cross the road?
Ans: To get to the secondhand shop.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
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